4th of October 2009, I was in Phnom Penh, Cambodia with a lot of geeks from all over the world. The same day 20 years back, I was standing beside my father’s bed and looking at him dying.

He might has never thought of his daughter having beer in Cambodia when she gets 28. I’m not sure what he wanted me to do in my life, but what I am now must be something he didn’t even thought of.

Father, I’m happy to live my life which you gave me. I do proud of you and myself being your daughter. Even last 20 years, you have been with me all the time, and in the future, too.

I do apologize being like this, but I don’t regret being like this.

You taught me a lot with your life and death, nobody else could ever taught that much to me.

Funeral, graves or praying is not for people who died or god. Every time when I go back to my home town, I visit father’s grave alone and wash it. It’s not for my father or somebody else, I do it for myself to get calm, it works very well for me to look at what I’m thinking. Spending time with father’s grave is very peaceful and thoughtful moment.

Last 20 years, on 4th of October in every year, I did think of my father, life and death. Life is not long enough to do everything. Life could be ended suddenly without any notification. Someone you really love could die anytime even if you two love each other so much. Life ends 100%, people forget others. Life is worth living because it ends someday.

How many times my mother can see her daughter in rest of her life? 10 times or less? How many days left for me? How many years I can be with my baby Minky? Which will be left? Me or Minky?

In last 20 years, my father has been living in my mind, but “my father in my mind” must be different from real “my father”. If he is still alive, I’m not here being like this, but there is no “IF”.

I do accept his death, I do learn a lot from it, but I still miss him.

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