On my mother’s birthday.

She is a woman and a human, but not a mother.

A lot of things I learned from her, Haruko, she is my biological mother. When I describe about her, I always say that she is one of the most interesting person I have met in my life.

18 years I spent with her in a little city, north of Japan, from her age of 38 to 56.

In 1989, when her husband who is my father passed away. I still remember the morning. She was holding a bottle of milk on her left hand, recline against to a wall and said “how will things be…”. Her eyes were not looking at anything, she looked so lost, I had never seen before it happened, and also never again till now.

When she lost her husband, she was only 46 years old, she was left with 2 kids, my brother and me. At the time, from a 9 years old girl’s point of view, 46 years old woman is old enough to retire her life as a woman.

Now, as a twenty eight years old woman, I feel forty-six years old woman still can attract people, as a woman and human, but I couldn’t see her like that when I was nine.

It’s been twenty years since she lost her husband, and ten yeas since she started living alone. Now she had a grand child, she looks very healthy and happy with her life.

She just turned to sixty-five years old. Sixty-five. She is now older than her husband. I can not imagine her as sixty-five years old woman.

In my memory, she is always forty-six, not even fifty-six. I was so socked and almost felt like crying when I saw her face with a lot of wrinkles, wearing low heeled shoes (she used to wear high heeled shoes), going out with comfortable loose dress (she used to wear tight dress or suits when she went out).

Last few years, when I feel the seasons, ages or else which reminds me the time is passing, I always think of her. How many times will she see her daughter in rest of her life? Twenty times? Ten times or less?

She has taught her daughter a lot of things, really a lot. She is not good at a mother, she, herself has told me that she was a super lucky woman and super lazy mother.

When she finished her university, she started working for a girl’s high school as an English teacher. She lived with her parents who feed her enough, so she didn’t have to work for money. She didn’t even have to think about money. She said that the job was so fun, hanging out with girls, students and teaching them how to curl hair lovely, how to dress, not only English.

The age of 25, she married to an obstetrics and gynecology specialist. It was an arranged marriage which was very popular at the time. When she married, she quit her job, but didn’t have to be a house wife, she didn’t have ability to be a house wife anyway.

I have no idea how the couple spent 10 years until they got first baby, my brother. My father opened his own clinic, he hired some maids to take care of the things in clinic and home. Things a house wife is expected to do, cooking, washing, cleaning, everything was done by the maids.

The menu of each meal were considered by nutritionists and scheduled one month in advance. Veges were delivered from veg shop, rice was from rice shop, fish was from fish shop, meat was from meat shop, eggs, tofu and milk were regularly delivered. And the payment was made the end of the month.

If she wanted to have something, food, clothes or anything, what she had to do was ask one of the maids to order it for her. She didn’t even know the prices.

When she bore the first baby, there were many nurses who are specialized to take care of babies, so what she has done is bear a boy and passed him to the nurses. Everyday nurses check the baby’s condition same as they usually do for any other babies.

3 years later, she bore another baby, me, and did the same thing, passed to the nurses.

When the children getting older, the youngest maid was assigned another job, play with children. So she had nothing to do as a house wife or mother, until her husband got seriously ill and die.

That’s what she has told to her daughter.

In the morning of 4th of October, 1981, she lost her husband. I lost my father. Many nurses and maids lost their employee, many lost their friend. It was the turning point of my life.

My father taught a lot of things to his daughter from his death.

When I saw her holding the bottle of milk in the small room at the hospital, I learned that she was a very lucky person. I imagined my life in the future, if I was her age and had 2 children still had to be fed, what would it be?

I had set my goal as 25 years old, The goal was to be someone who can can feed herself and 2 children without husband. It had been my goal for a long time, but when I reached 25, I could fed only myself and 2 cats. I didn’t have enough money and time to feed and grow 2 children.

Since then, I have been feeling that I lost huge goal to chase. I couldn’t just re-schedule the goal something like 30, I couldn’t achieve it, I must find something else to set as my goal.

Haruko, her philosophy is very simple, clear and straight. She is very positive and happy person, she is a kind of person who can entertain others and also herself without anybody else. For her, she is the center of the world.

Now I feel she is an unique and interesting person. However, during my life with her about nine years, from my age of nine years old to eighteen years old, I hated her so much. She is the only one I have hated in my life.

A middle aged woman and puberty aged girl is the worst combination of 2 human.

Every single thing she did irritated her daughter. I didn’t see “mother” in her, but she had to act like a “mother”, which made me refuse to accept that she was myguardian. However, regally she was the guardian untill I reach to 20, the fact made me mad.

To live in a town and society, an under aged girl needs guardian. I was not allowed to work untill age of 16 by low, so I had to be fed by someone. The someone was actually her, but I didn’t want to accept the fact.

I said “The money you spend to feed you and me is not yours. It’s my father’s money. You are not feeding me, he is still feeding us.” Without this excuse, I couldn’t stand with getting money from her. So I was so happy when I got 16 and regally allowed to work, even the school and theguardian didn’t allow it, low is the low.

Her answer for her daughter saying that she is not feeding her daughter was like this.

“Getting married with a man like your father requires a lot of abilities. I have ability to smell people also I grew myself to be chosen by that kind of man. This is what I get by myself. Can you do the same? ”

This is true, now I understand. If she was a boring person, she wasn’t chosen. If she didn’t have education, she wasn’t chosen. I do now understand what she was saying, however, for a young school girl, this did sound like trick. I was sick of her words.

I needed money to live. Since sixteen years old, I had worked as a waitress and feed myself. Her life made her daughter to go totallyopposit from her life.

For me, money or food were something we can get as compansation of work. I looked down on her because she didin’t work to feed herself. Also respect my father a lot more because he had worked hard and dead but still feeding the useless woman and me.

When she found out that I got a boyfriend, she sniff around and called me something like bitch. She said “Do you know you are making yourself dirty and you are loosing chance you could get in the future?”, “You wouldn’t be able to get someone like my husband.”, “What you have to do is not fancy boys, make yourself smart, being with stupid people makes you more stupid”.

In my 28 years of life, I have never introduced any boyfriend to her. She has found out some, but none of them could pass her check. All of the boys, friends were not good enough from her point of view, calling them something makes me bad, it was enough reason for me to hate her. She looked down on all of people I like.

By then, I hadn’t heard her talking bad about people. She doesn’t talk about people behind, actually it can be said she is not interested in other people that much. My friends were said so badly because they were related to me. It was hell.

The hell was suddenly over.

When I turned to 20, which is the age of an adult regally, she was changed. She told me about her life, about the financial situation of our family, about relatives or many things. Then said, “You live your own life, I live mine. You are not too bad, we are not beautiful, not smart like me but not too stupid, you have a lot of talent but just don’t know how to use them. You have an ability to survive which I don’t have. From now, I won’t help you financially at all. Goodlcuk.”

It was like the end of a opera behind of the cartain. She could take of her mask of “guardian” which she had to act for 10 years, and then back to her own life without any mask on.

Since then, I see her as a human, not “failed mother”. Now I see her enjoying her life, I see her loving herself so much. I see her loving me as well.

I remember many words she has told me, but I couldn’t accept the words when I was young. Now I understand most of her words, and what she said is the same things what she says now. Most of her words are very straight and simple, which doesn’t accept any excuses.

Here are some of her words.

Keep saying what you want, it’ll come true.

But don’t say anything bad even it comes up to your mind.

Wear short skirts to keep your legs nice, loose clothes makes your body loose.

Wear long sleeve to keep your skin white.

Why people spend their precious time for someone they hate? Polish your nails if you have time to gossip. Waste of time.

Laughing makes you healthy.

What does ’stress’ means?

Life is not long enough to read all books in a little library in a little town.

To live 3 times rich life, I don’t have time to watch TV.

A spud woman walking with straight back looks nicer than a beautiful woman walking with round back.

If you camplain about your boss to someone else not telling him, quit the job.

Don’t waste your life.

Don’t waste my time.

I stopped worried about you even if I see the news of air crush, worrying something makes me looks old.

Sleep wheneber you have time.

Don’t call me after 9 pm even if somebody is dead, I can’t do anything till next morning anyway, don’t break my good sleep.

Shoes, collers and cuffs.

What is “strange”? How can people judge others normal or strange?

There are things you don’t have to know.

I have good life.

I am a lucky person who could know such an interesting person.

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